My Mental Health Journey: Entry 5 - Losing Parts of Myself?

Things going through my mind:

    I recently had a massive low, I was down, sad, hating on myself, there were only negative thoughts inhabiting my mind. I started feeling like there is no hope, no happiness, no light. The downward spiral began again and I couldn't stop.

Hopeless.            Tired.             Broken.             Worthless.            What future is there?         Pointless.

Each spiral I have though, gets shorter and shorter and I the feeling of knowing it will end grows stronger. I got through it, we all do, we all will. Although, this feeling of emptiness doesn't always go away. The black void may be there each day, it doesn't necessarily go but I feel like I am learning to get through it, to keep going and work my way around it instead of allowing it to block my path to grow.

As hard as it is, I feel like I am communicating more. Acknowledging that I am sad and telling people how I feel; if I don't want to hangout, I'll say it rather than giving into my people pleasing guilty conscience. It seems to help. I give myself the space and time I need. Now I realise that I always focus on the negatives, on the lacking instead of enjoying the moment and having the present, seeing what I have before me.

But if you ask me if I am ok, my answer is no, I am not okay. But that's okay, because I'm allowed to not be okay, I can't force this feeling away but I can ride with it until it passes.

It recently feels like every time I have one of these lows, I lose a part of myself, I feel like a part of me dies and I never get it back. Maybe if I lose enough of myself, I'll be a completely new and different person, will people recognise me? Would my mum recognise me?

I am okay with not being okay.

My Mental Health Journey: Entry 3 - Two Steps Forward, One Side Step

I have come to realise that this journey isn't just about walking forward. I'd say it's like taking 'two steps forward, one step back" but I disagree with the thought of going backwards. Instead, it's a side step, because I still learnt/am learning, I didn't go back, I didn't 'relapse', I stepped to the side and took a pause, a breather, a break. You can't change the way you think/perceive things over night, it takes time and energy but just because you pause, it doesn't mean you aren't growing/changing. 

A journey isn't about going forwards or backwards, it is about where you go and how you deal with each encounter along the way. 

This past month has been really tough, I am not going to pretend that it was okay or there were a few smiles here and there... If I did, it would mean that it's not okay to be not okay. WHICH IS WRONG! It is OKAY to NOT BE OKAY. It is OKAY to feel, to have emotions and not feel up to smiling or doing. It is okay, it is acceptable and even more so, IT. IS. HUMAN. Last I checked, WE ARE ALL HUMAN! So go ahead and have that cry, have a sad moment(/day/week) but promise me one thing, that you will remember that that moment(/day/week) will pass and things will get back on track again, it will end and you'll get up again, stronger, heftier, happier, taller (I wish physically taller, but I mean you will grow mentally and emotionally, I just say taller because at 4"11 &3/4, there are some days where it would be nice to be taller ><")

So... my week was, well it was was outright awful. I cried every day, was sad every day, I was just so low and I entered my downward, self hating, toxic spiral. I was exhausted both mentally and physically. I felt exactly the same as when I brought those scissors to my arm, I was stuck and I couldn't get out of this feeling of awfulness and pain. I couldn't see my progress or the things I had learnt because my vision was clouded by the tears of self-doubt and lack of self confidence. I had forgotten how to get myself out of such a emotional mess - but actually, in that time of turbulence I recognised what I was feeling, even though I couldn't get out of it, I was aware of it and being aware is the first step to recognising it.

Getting better doesn't mean that you're instantaneously happy, it means that you can see that there are issues and you can see when they are happening and slowly begin to stop the toxic behaviour/thought before it kick starts your downward spiral. 

Whatever you're feeling, high or low, happy or sad, it's all okay and you're gonna bring yourself up, no matter how long it takes, because we're in this together, you are not alone.

Even if you don't love you right now, I love you! Stay strong!

Rice Munchkin

My Mental Health Journey - Entry 2: Self Love

Disclaimer: Depression, anxiety, low moods all manifest in so many different ways and what I have experienced may not be similar to yours, this does not mean you are weird or something is wrong with you, it just means that we are all different and face our issues in ways that we do best. Whatever you're feeling, don't give up on life, don't give up on living and seek help. The things I write are of my own opinion and thoughts and is not professional advice, if you are seeking professional advice, please look for a therapist. 

During this period of lockdown, I hear a lot of friends and family saying that we must learn to self love, to take care of ourselves, even my therapist advised me to take care of myself; but what does that mean?

Does that mean to make sure I sleep 8 hours a day, have 3 healthy meals a day and make sure I exercise regularly, ensure that I have some form of human contact at least once a day? For me, these are all just things on the surface. 

Usually I find it difficult to 'Self Love'. I feel that I can do more productive things with my time or I find it hard to enjoy the activity as other things or people's enjoyment are on my mind. So, I need to think hard and find out what my 'Self Love' is.

I decided to ask myself these questions almost every day to really dwell on what it is that I class as 'Self Love'.

• Is there anything that I wanted to do but never did because I felt guilty or worried about what others would think or worried that it would take the enjoyment out of the activity for them? 
• What is something I want to do that I never do because it could be a selfish action?
• What is something that will make me relax and free/focus my mind?
• What is it that I want to do?

Self-love is not just about meditation or treating your body well so that it's healthy (great diet and exercise, unless that' is your thing) it's about putting time aside for 'me', doing something that I (you) enjoy or something else that my (your) mind can focus on. It is time a where I do not need to think about others, it's is a time where I do not need to think about judgement or the 'shoulda, woulda, couldas' and just stop thinking about what it is that is troubling that day. Self-love is about giving yourself a mental break and letting you do what you want and what makes you happy, with no guilt (strings) attached. Sounds too good to be true right? Or maybe it’s something that seems too difficult right now?

 

Something to keep in mind: Just because other people are doing yoga, or reading and baking more it might not mean that this is your self-love. Your self-love might be trying a new make-up look or learning a new hairstyle, it might be taking a 20 minute nap after breakfast or wearing that outfit which you love but might seem out of trend/too much to wear on an 'un-special' day or just to watch TV in. It is not something that everyone else is doing, but is something that you take pleasure in and enjoy, and you don't need to feel guilty for it. Sure suggestions are good, but if you like something, no one is going to judge or stop you from doing it.

 

Let me give you an example. I am a great multitask-er and am constantly thinking forward, being prepared for almost any situation, planning ahead. When I first moved out of my parents home, I had a weekend off - no social plans but just free time. The way I have been brought up tells me that being idle is a bad thing as you are not using your time to the best of your ability, I had to do something productive like chores or admin etc. Sitting around in my PJs and watching TV all day is not acceptable or a good use of one’s time... and it was this mindset that made me think that I’ve always got to keep busy, to make the most and the best of the time that I have, for not doing so would mean that I am lazy and ungrateful. 

 

However, even though there is some truth in this, I feel that I began to feel guilty for not doing anything and it made my self-esteem lower as I thought that I should be doing something more fruitful and that I wasn't making good use of my time, I felt ungrateful. In my mind, I should be grateful for the free time I have, prepping, thinking ahead, and by not utilising it, it's a selfish thing to do (I know this is a very silly thought but... brain). Taking a step back now, learning more about myself and from others, I have (thankfully) come to realise that actually having these moments of doing nothing, for me, helps me to switch off. I don't feel guilt, I don't need to think about others or plan ahead and my obsessive and irrational (stupid) thoughts stop. Before, switching off was a bad thing but now I see that it's a time where I stop emotionally and mentally self-harming. I stop all of my negative thoughts and just focus on what's in front of me.   

 

So going back to trying to figure out what my self-love is. My self-love turned out to be more than one thing as, I like to keep busy, constantly moving which is why it can sometimes be difficult to do the above example. I have also come to realise that my self-love is forever changing! I’ve found that I am and ‘on and off’ in a sense where I can’t stick to the same task all the time. I’ve been doing yoga for the past two weeks, 20 minutes cardio and then about 30 minutes reading. However, this week I did none of that and I just potatoed… I stayed in bed or I stood in the garden for 5 minutes staring at the sky. It is OK for your self-love activities to change or stay the same. Everyone is different, our likes and dislikes change depending on the moods and situations we are in.

 

I’m not going to sugar coat it, but learning that my ‘self-love’ changes, has been super confusing, I’m still on this journey and sometimes constantly changing my tasks can feel unsettling as my routine changes. But when I see that it gives me respite from things that make me feel anxious, sad or abandoned and lonely, I can accept it. My thoughts of abandonment from my mum’s suicide or sadness from how much I am (or mum would be) disappointed in the person I have become (irrational thoughts) stop, even if it is just for a moment, and that time is what I need to stop spiralling and self-sabotaging.

 

Another ‘self-love’ that I discovered was when I was really down and I texted my best friend and asked “why do you keep me in your life?” I felt lost and that there is nothing that I am good for. She listed so much about the things she admires or loves about me and told me, “If you ever need me to fan girl over you, I am right here.” If you’re feeling so low that nothing you do is helping you take a mental break from your harsh thoughts and feelings, or if you feel that you just don’t have the energy, ask someone to help you do it, to open your eyes and tell you what they see in you. Ask someone else to turn on the light so that you can see the path again.

Update: This whole week, my 'self love' was allowing myself to cry over something that was trivial but important to me, and now I feel so much better!

If you are looking for some 'self love' ideas, I asked my friends and they came up with some things they do:

• binge watch movies
• read fantasy books
• reading
• going out for walks
• baking
• yoga
• staring out my (your) window - (please don't stare out my window, I will be FREAKED out)
• sleeping
• forging myself from whatever effed up things my mind conjures up that i've done wrong (done wrong in my opinion)

My Mental Health Journey - Pilot: Why?

Hi! It's me again, long time no blog!

My mum passed away just over two and a half years ago and up until earlier this year, I'd say that I had been dealing with losing her in the best way I know how (by not thinking about it, right?). You see, mum passed away suddenly, we knew that she was ill but didn't realise how severely ill she was, we didn't get to say goodbye to her or prepare for her to leave; and then one day, poof! she was gone, she had committed suicide. It was devastating. There are no words to describe the feeling of having your mother suddenly disappear out of your life, no way to comprehend what has happened. I still find myself trying to adapt my life with her no longer being there, I feel like her depression has leaked onto the rest of us. She will never see me marry, she will never be there when I get my first official job, where will I get my advice about life from? Add this onto a pallet with other personal issues and you've got yourself a pretty messy painting. But the thing about art, it's all down to personal preference and interpretations.

If you knew me before my mum passed, I was a very smiley and positive individual and I'd like to say that I wasn't very emotional. Unfortunately this was my downfall and with mum, I pushed everything to the back of my mind and let it sit there until I broke and became the complete opposite. My head was (is) a mess and I had no direction.

As we are in 'COVID Lockdown' and it is Mental Health Awareness week, I thought that it would be helpful to share my mental health journey with you guys. The purpose of this blog is not to let you know how down I've been or how broken I feel, but I hope that by writing this blog and keeping a 'Mental Health Journal' it can encourage others to seek help and also to not feel so alone during this time of isolation or during the aftermath of what 'lockdown' will leave. It's also a platform for where I can see how my journey has changed and a place I can go back to to see how much I have grown.

It's natural to have judgements and I won't hold you against it, but if you do have something negative to say, please drop me an email/DM as I hope that this place is only full of encouragement and positivity to lift our peers and community up during this lonely time.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying my experiences are the same as yours or that we are going through the same thing as depression, anxiety, low moods etc manifest in different ways and if you are feeling extremely low in mood or are having suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help, the world is a better place with you IN it. The Samaritans have a free number to call on 116 123 or seek out a therapist; I found mine here. What works for me might not necessarily work for you, we are all individuals and different in many ways, this doesn't mean you should give up but that you should keep fighting, keep searching for ways to deal and to cope. Give yourself another chance!!

Please watch this space for updates if you're interested, if not, keep scrolling!