My Mental Health Journey: Entry 3 - Two Steps Forward, One Side Step

I have come to realise that this journey isn't just about walking forward. I'd say it's like taking 'two steps forward, one step back" but I disagree with the thought of going backwards. Instead, it's a side step, because I still learnt/am learning, I didn't go back, I didn't 'relapse', I stepped to the side and took a pause, a breather, a break. You can't change the way you think/perceive things over night, it takes time and energy but just because you pause, it doesn't mean you aren't growing/changing. 

A journey isn't about going forwards or backwards, it is about where you go and how you deal with each encounter along the way. 

This past month has been really tough, I am not going to pretend that it was okay or there were a few smiles here and there... If I did, it would mean that it's not okay to be not okay. WHICH IS WRONG! It is OKAY to NOT BE OKAY. It is OKAY to feel, to have emotions and not feel up to smiling or doing. It is okay, it is acceptable and even more so, IT. IS. HUMAN. Last I checked, WE ARE ALL HUMAN! So go ahead and have that cry, have a sad moment(/day/week) but promise me one thing, that you will remember that that moment(/day/week) will pass and things will get back on track again, it will end and you'll get up again, stronger, heftier, happier, taller (I wish physically taller, but I mean you will grow mentally and emotionally, I just say taller because at 4"11 &3/4, there are some days where it would be nice to be taller ><")

So... my week was, well it was was outright awful. I cried every day, was sad every day, I was just so low and I entered my downward, self hating, toxic spiral. I was exhausted both mentally and physically. I felt exactly the same as when I brought those scissors to my arm, I was stuck and I couldn't get out of this feeling of awfulness and pain. I couldn't see my progress or the things I had learnt because my vision was clouded by the tears of self-doubt and lack of self confidence. I had forgotten how to get myself out of such a emotional mess - but actually, in that time of turbulence I recognised what I was feeling, even though I couldn't get out of it, I was aware of it and being aware is the first step to recognising it.

Getting better doesn't mean that you're instantaneously happy, it means that you can see that there are issues and you can see when they are happening and slowly begin to stop the toxic behaviour/thought before it kick starts your downward spiral. 

Whatever you're feeling, high or low, happy or sad, it's all okay and you're gonna bring yourself up, no matter how long it takes, because we're in this together, you are not alone.

Even if you don't love you right now, I love you! Stay strong!

Rice Munchkin