The past few weeks, my self harming thoughts have come back on a daily basis and they are constant; I have lost interest in everything. I dread the weekdays because they drag and then I dread the weekends because we can't really do much during lockdown and because I don't have any interest of going out or doing anything. All the projects I wish to do can't take place because businesses aren't resuming until possibly next year and I do not have the materials, resources or knowledge to start woodworking (I wanna take up carpentry!) I feel stuck. The worst part is, I have this dreadful feeling that I actually haven't hit rock bottom, I feel like when people say, God only gives you what you can handle, I feel like there's still more to give me. I could look at it in an anxious way and just dread and panic what may or may not come, feel awful and anticipate negativity. OR I could look at it in a positive light, that I am stronger than I think I am and I'm still going, every day that passes means that I have overcome all of my issues on that day and that means that it has been a successful day. I am still deciding which way to look at it.
As I write this, I feel like the latter is a better way to look at it, but I don't have to commit. I agree that if I look at it in a personal growth way; the second would be ideal. But I don't know (nor need to worry) about how I will feel about it tomorrow. All I know is, right now, in this moment. I am being refined and am strong enough to take it. Pure gold must go through fire to burn all the impurities in order for it to be pure gold, I'm just going through the refining process.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) this refining process has brought forward new issues and symptoms (or are they old issues) to light. I've been experiencing disassociation, palpitations and daily anxiety (thankfully, have only had one panic attack which I managed to nip in the bud as it started) and now insomnia.
The disassociation has been strange, it's like being in the backseat of the car and watching life go by, you're there observing and aware of everything but not in control of your actions or what you do or say, it's like you're on autopilot. Sometimes this is a positive thing as I don't worry, I just let it run it's course and know that I will be fine after, it's like a dream but you're awake in nit.. Other times it's annoying because for me, I forget what is being said ad what I am saying at that moment. For example, I'll be talking with someone about things I need to do but when i'm back, I don't remember what we discussed, I just remember feeling... cloudy.
The palpitations for me, have just be rude and annoying! They wake me up in the middle of the night and go on for hours, they deprive me of a peaceful night, but thankfully, they only happen at night and not during the day. I understand that a lot of people can feel panicked and unsettled when they experience palpitations, the way I see it is that I know it will pass, whether there is a cause for why I got it at that moment in time, I am not sure but I don't fixate on why I'm getting it right there and then, I just focus on my breathing and put a meditation video on to try and get back to sleep ,focus my mind on being mindful.
Anxiety is the one that I feel has affected me most. I will be fine for the whole day and then the moment something unexpected happens or the moment I change a task, all of a sudden I feel like something bad is going to happen, I begin to feel anxious, dread and fearful however I don't know what of. An example is when my friends came to visit me, after they left, I felt so anxious and sad that I burst out crying and started having a panic attack! Fortunately, I felt it coming on and so called my cousin straight away to take my mind off the feeling. If you experience this, maybe have a go-to person in case of emergencies, it helps and they won't find you annoying, I promise.
Thankfully, the palpitations and disassociation have lessened but insomnia seems to have crept up on me (insert crying emoji here). It started on the night I woke up from palpitations just over 2 weeks ago now, the most sleep I get is about 3 hours. Falling asleep is no problem, it's staying asleep that seems to be a difficult task for me. I'm not dealing with it in a way of getting treatment, I'm just 'riding it out' and hoping it will go soon, because who doesn't love their sleep!
Please be aware that if you are experiencing any of these, tell your doctor! I told my doctor and we did some tests to check that my body is physically healthy, which I am. So now I know that I need to go to the mental health doctor (my therapist) to help deal with these issues. Don't just ignore the symptoms, get yourself checked out and seek help please!
Even though I have been low, anxious and a bit out of it, it has been important for me to have been aware that I am in that state of mind; and do you know what? Strangely, it's really helped. Because even though I had all these new and uncertain feelings, I know that I am feeling a certain way, I can accept that I am feeling it and then just sit in the moment/emotion until my mind is ready to move on. This is a first for me as
No comments:
Post a Comment