Things going through my mind:
I recently had a massive low, I was down, sad, hating on myself, there were only negative thoughts inhabiting my mind. I started feeling like there is no hope, no happiness, no light. The downward spiral began again and I couldn't stop.
Hopeless. Tired. Broken. Worthless. What future is there? Pointless.
Each spiral I have though, gets shorter and shorter and I the feeling of knowing it will end grows stronger. I got through it, we all do, we all will. Although, this feeling of emptiness doesn't always go away. The black void may be there each day, it doesn't necessarily go but I feel like I am learning to get through it, to keep going and work my way around it instead of allowing it to block my path to grow.
As hard as it is, I feel like I am communicating more. Acknowledging that I am sad and telling people how I feel; if I don't want to hangout, I'll say it rather than giving into my people pleasing guilty conscience. It seems to help. I give myself the space and time I need. Now I realise that I always focus on the negatives, on the lacking instead of enjoying the moment and having the present, seeing what I have before me.
But if you ask me if I am ok, my answer is no, I am not okay. But that's okay, because I'm allowed to not be okay, I can't force this feeling away but I can ride with it until it passes.
It recently feels like every time I have one of these lows, I lose a part of myself, I feel like a part of me dies and I never get it back. Maybe if I lose enough of myself, I'll be a completely new and different person, will people recognise me? Would my mum recognise me?
I am okay with not being okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment