My Mental Health Journey: Entry 3 - Two Steps Forward, One Side Step

I have come to realise that this journey isn't just about walking forward. I'd say it's like taking 'two steps forward, one step back" but I disagree with the thought of going backwards. Instead, it's a side step, because I still learnt/am learning, I didn't go back, I didn't 'relapse', I stepped to the side and took a pause, a breather, a break. You can't change the way you think/perceive things over night, it takes time and energy but just because you pause, it doesn't mean you aren't growing/changing. 

A journey isn't about going forwards or backwards, it is about where you go and how you deal with each encounter along the way. 

This past month has been really tough, I am not going to pretend that it was okay or there were a few smiles here and there... If I did, it would mean that it's not okay to be not okay. WHICH IS WRONG! It is OKAY to NOT BE OKAY. It is OKAY to feel, to have emotions and not feel up to smiling or doing. It is okay, it is acceptable and even more so, IT. IS. HUMAN. Last I checked, WE ARE ALL HUMAN! So go ahead and have that cry, have a sad moment(/day/week) but promise me one thing, that you will remember that that moment(/day/week) will pass and things will get back on track again, it will end and you'll get up again, stronger, heftier, happier, taller (I wish physically taller, but I mean you will grow mentally and emotionally, I just say taller because at 4"11 &3/4, there are some days where it would be nice to be taller ><")

So... my week was, well it was was outright awful. I cried every day, was sad every day, I was just so low and I entered my downward, self hating, toxic spiral. I was exhausted both mentally and physically. I felt exactly the same as when I brought those scissors to my arm, I was stuck and I couldn't get out of this feeling of awfulness and pain. I couldn't see my progress or the things I had learnt because my vision was clouded by the tears of self-doubt and lack of self confidence. I had forgotten how to get myself out of such a emotional mess - but actually, in that time of turbulence I recognised what I was feeling, even though I couldn't get out of it, I was aware of it and being aware is the first step to recognising it.

Getting better doesn't mean that you're instantaneously happy, it means that you can see that there are issues and you can see when they are happening and slowly begin to stop the toxic behaviour/thought before it kick starts your downward spiral. 

Whatever you're feeling, high or low, happy or sad, it's all okay and you're gonna bring yourself up, no matter how long it takes, because we're in this together, you are not alone.

Even if you don't love you right now, I love you! Stay strong!

Rice Munchkin

My Mental Health Journey - Entry 1: Hitting Rock Bottom

Disclaimer: Depression, anxiety, low moods all manifest in so many different ways and what I have experienced may not be similar to yours, this does not mean you are weird or something is wrong with you, it just means that we are all different and face our issues in ways that we do best. Whatever you're feeling, don't give up on life, don't give up on living and seek help. The things I write are of my own opinion and thoughts and is not professional advice, if you are seeking professional advice, please look for a therapist. 

I will also be discussing self harm and referencing suicide which may be upsetting for some readers, if so, I warned you, so you can't sue me.

This is a loooong post, but please bear with me, it's just a summary of how I realised that I needed help.

Quick recap:

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week and also the week I started my therapy sessions with my therapist. Everyone has their own inner demons and I've decided that as the theme of Mental Health Awareness week is 'Kindness', I should be kind to myself (this is not a selfish act) and tell myself that it is okay to not be okay! I'm gonna be the example and show you that you (YES, YOU! The cute, handsomely beautiful person reading this) should be kind to yourself too! Because when we are kind to ourselves, we begin to heal, we begin to shine and we can be start to be happy again, or just... start feeling again.

I think it's safe to say (from personal experience) that we all feel that we are lacking in some aspects of our lives, It's human nature, to always want to improve and develop - it's how we grow. For example, I'm not attractive (enough), I'm not good enough, I'm a waste of others' time, I don't deserve their kindness, I could have done that better, why would they want to spend time with me... etc. Whilst it can be 'normal' to have these thoughts and I'm sure the majority of people experience similar, it doesn't help when it is a constant thought and when depression or low moods amplify it to make it feel 10,000 times more worse than it actually is.

One of my main issues...

As a person, it is in my nature to feel guilty (even at the smallest of things like finishing the last doughnut without asking if anyone else wants it first...) - it's just how I am, sometimes a little bit of that isn't a bad thing. Growing up my guilty conscience wasn't so bad but, as I got older, I came to notice it more and, with people mistreating my kindness, it started to get worse. 

I feel like being from an Asian background, it's very common for Asian parents or adults to guilt trip their children into good behaviour or helping them out. I am not complaining about this because it's could just be a cultural thing but in my opinion, the effects of it can be long lasting and in actual fact can shape who you become. 

Let me give you a couple of examples. If a child didn't want to finish their food, the parent/adult would say something along the lines of "If you don't eat it, it will be a waste. I had to work so hard, 8 hours a day just so that I can earn money to buy this food for you and then spend my time after working long hours to cook this food. If you don't eat it, it will be a waste of all that energy and effort I put in, just for you, my children! Do you really want to make me sad and make all that effort pointless?" As a child, you don't want mum and dad to be sad or for them to work so hard only for you to waste all that effort because you couldn't finish the food, you'd feel guilty. 

Or...

"I came all the way to this country and worked so hard, I didn't get an education in University so that I can earn money and let you have a good life so that you can study and be a doctor!" (I was fortunate enough not to have this expectation thrust upon me ><") This is where you think that you must be a dutiful daughter/son and do as your parents have asked as they have sacrificed so much for you! I have to admit, when it comes to feeding, I am guilty of guilt tripping my nephews/nieces  - but not that I slaved away to get the food but that there are others out there who aren't as fortunate to have that many grains of rice in their bowl. Or I tell them that it will give them Popeye's muscles...

The annoying thing is, my inner voice tells me that I should be nice and kind to others, regardless of how they treat me, so I ignore any negative treatment towards me. I ignore it and I tell myself that if I say no, I'm not a good person and the spiral begins. I start to feel awful, I question everything I do and I put myself down at any and every chance I can get. Cooked a meal from scratch? Well, Essie you could've done better; it's good but it's not great. Worked super hard at work and got lots done? It's because you're not good enough at your job and you had to work hard to get lots done because you're lacking. Spent time with someone that needed a friend? Well they only wanted to spend time with you because they were low, not because you're a good friend. I could go on but I don't want to - because it's negative and not helpful. You get the gist! You end up making it personal... and emotionally/mentally self harming yourself. 

After mum died, my inner voice got more mean. She also started telling me, "you aren't good enough, you know how I know this? You couldn't even keep mum around. If you were a good daughter and she loved you, she would have stayed." Now, I obviously know that this isn't the case, my mum was ill, she had depression and it took over her; she wasn't her self. But that doesn't stop my thoughts and insecurities getting the better of me and putting me down. 

So due to feeling the emotions of me guilt tripping myself and telling myself I'm not worth anything, I had so much emotion in me that I didn't know what to do with it. At the time of said 'hitting rock bottom', I didn't know where all of these feelings and negativity were coming from, all I knew was that I could feel it and it wouldn't go away.  It got a to a point where all of a sudden, I was at bursting point and as your brain does, you try to blame the closest thing to you - even if it has nothing to do with them or they have done a trivial thing that isn't the end of the world. You feel the need to direct it onto something/someone because if you don't, you are going to lose yourself. And once you release, it is already too late, the damage is done and you feel worse. 

I was so overwhelmed by these feelings that I couldn't move anymore, I was stuck on the floor and my brain, my heart, my thoughts and feelings wouldn't switch off. I just wanted to feel something else, I wanted to feel something that wasn't this kind of pain, I wanted it all to stop.  I would never consider taking my own life because I know what happens after you're gone, your depression trickles into the lives of everyone you loved or came into contact with, like when you put ink into a glass of water and it disperses, and so that is definitely not an option for me. So my silly decision was to take the scissors out of the draw and try cutting my arm. At first I thought, damn, I'm so sad that I can't even feel it but then I realised... I was crying so much that I couldn't see and the scissors were actually blunt! ><" - I started self harming and ironically, it didn't work, in fact it made everything worse because I felt pathetic and stupid for doing such an idiotic thing. 

I knew that this wasn't who or how I wanted to be and that I had hit rock bottom. I knew I somehow needed to get out of this spiral that I had been in since mum died, and escape the years of pushing back emotions and feelings - I decided enough is enough. No more distractions, no more putting it off or brushing it off, no more putting myself down, no more physical or mental self harming. I needed to get help.

I went online to do a bit of retail therapy - basically shopped around for a therapist. After speaking to three different therapists, via emails and Skype/Zoom, I found one that I felt comfortable with who specialises with Asian patients, depression and bereavement and just verbally vomited everything I was feeling or that had happened about mum to her. I told her my goal is to stop feeling guilty and to be independent from my emotions. This was is my starting point. 

Now it's your turn

A friend told me that she finds it difficult to find a new therapist because she didn't feel comfortable talking to a stranger about some of her issues. If you have that fear/worry, but you want to see a therapist, why not just start talking about the things you are comfortable with? As you build a better relationship and trust the therapist more over time, you can let go of that fear further down the line. 

Some people struggle with meeting new people, kind of like... 'stranger danger'; if you are someone that struggles with this, there are various platforms that you can use to see a therapist - phone call, video call etc. just ask your therapist!

Just remember, every journey begins with a single step. It might feel scary, it might even feel more like a massive leap to admit that you need help but once you have passed that barrier, you will be one step closer to a healthier mindset! 

Food for thought

 As a person, we are fearful of abandonment and we would also never abandon a friend or a family member, yet when it comes to our mental health, why is it that we have no issue with abandoning ourselves?

Flaw or Against?

We all have gotten into the habit of filtering our photos on our social media. For example, when we instagram a photo, filtering that picture comes naturally. But why do we do it? How has it become so natural and normal for us to edit our photos and alter the way we look? 

When I took this photo, I sent it to my sister to see if I looked OK. When I was given the 'OK', I got ready and left the house. What was the occasion? Tiff's birthday of course! We were going out for a meal later that evening, but since I wouldn't be returning home in the day time, I got ready early.

That night, when we were home and I was scrolling through my photos, I found this photo and without realising, I started to edit the marks on my face. In case you haven't noticed, I have quite a few moles on my face and when I saw them, I decided to see what it would look if I didn't have those marks on my face.

Why do we photoshop our photos? Yes, even the filters on Instagram count as photoshopping.

Moles or beauty spots, they're still moles :')

Which do you think looks better? With the moles or without? Society dictates that our physical flaws are what make us imperfect. But then again, society also dictates that our flaws are what make us unique and we should accept them; nobody’s perfect. So how do you think the people of today are portraying themselves? Those with flaws feel ugly but at the same time they are supposed to feel unique and proud of who they are, at the same time magazines are showing people with perfect skin and bodies? It's a little confusing!

I'll be honest... There was a period of time where I absolutely hated my moles, I hated them to the point where I would look in the mirror and just burst out crying. People would ask me, "what's wrong with them? They're unique, they're cute!" But they never understood the insecurities my moles gave me. Sure, it's easy for you to say that they're unique etc. but they're not on your face, you're not the the one that receives the surprised comments that there are 'coincidentally two moles under each eye', you don't have to live with them; you don't know what it feels like. It got to the point where I hated them so much, I searched home remedies of removing moles; I saw my GP about it and he even agreed that they are in inconvenient places, he told me that he didn't see anything wrong with my plan in removing them myself and so; I did it. I strongly advise against doing this; if you plan on getting rid of moles. seek professional help, go to a professional and get them removed.

I got a needle and scraped the skin on top of my moles off so that the skin was open; I then took a small cube of raw garlic and taped it to my mole over night; the acid in the garlic would basically eat away at my mole and make it go. I don't know if you've ever had a cut and accidentally got orange juice in it but that's what it felt like on my mole, the burning sensation and smell weren't momentarily, they stayed for a while! FYI it wasn't just one mole, I did about 4 on my face, for about 4-5 days. Every morning, to prevent infections, I used TCP to wipe the area which stung so much. In the following 4-6 weeks, my moles scabbed off and disappeared, only scars were left on my skin which went after a while. Seeing that this method had worked, I decided to burn off some more of the moles on my face that made me self-conscious. One day as I looked at my skin where my moles used to be, I noticed that there was a black mark; my moles had started growing back, not just one, but all of them. My moles are not surface moles but under the surface of my skin; I tried using the garlic method on the same moles again but they grew back. Defeated, I decided to leave them in case I aggravated them too much that they might turn dangerous.

I honestly wish that I hadn't gone through this process, the realisation that I couldn't be rid of these moles unless I had an operation hit me; and my young teen self was devastated. I decided to face the facts, these small specks are going to stay with me for the rest of my life. A few years on to today and I don't hate them as much. In a way, I’m glad that I went through that process, because it made me face the facts and accept. Of course there are days where I’m not feeling so self-accepting and I research mole removal clinics and seriously contemplate on mole removal. Heck, I even have days where I hate them so much, I decide not to look in the mirror! But like my mum, family and close friends say, they're what make me, well, me! Truthfully... When I look at the left picture above, a part of me would really rather have that face, but then I also think that I look a bit strange; I’m still so torn.

Why is it that I am unable to accept myself 100%? I know that my moles are unique and they make me, me. 98% of the time I am happy with myself. I guess I can look at it as a humbling process and a continuous lesson to be accepting of myself.

I sometimes think 'how can we expect the younger generation to grow up well when we have so many insecurities ourselves?'

How about you? Have you ever had any experiences like this? What are your views and opinions? I'm really curious as to how other people deal with such experiences.

Are you flaw or against your 'flaws'?

Big thanks to Tiff for proofreading ;P you can find her blog at:
http://myjourneytomadrid.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html

Much love,

TTM.

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