My Mental Health Journey - Entry 2: Self Love

Disclaimer: Depression, anxiety, low moods all manifest in so many different ways and what I have experienced may not be similar to yours, this does not mean you are weird or something is wrong with you, it just means that we are all different and face our issues in ways that we do best. Whatever you're feeling, don't give up on life, don't give up on living and seek help. The things I write are of my own opinion and thoughts and is not professional advice, if you are seeking professional advice, please look for a therapist. 

During this period of lockdown, I hear a lot of friends and family saying that we must learn to self love, to take care of ourselves, even my therapist advised me to take care of myself; but what does that mean?

Does that mean to make sure I sleep 8 hours a day, have 3 healthy meals a day and make sure I exercise regularly, ensure that I have some form of human contact at least once a day? For me, these are all just things on the surface. 

Usually I find it difficult to 'Self Love'. I feel that I can do more productive things with my time or I find it hard to enjoy the activity as other things or people's enjoyment are on my mind. So, I need to think hard and find out what my 'Self Love' is.

I decided to ask myself these questions almost every day to really dwell on what it is that I class as 'Self Love'.

• Is there anything that I wanted to do but never did because I felt guilty or worried about what others would think or worried that it would take the enjoyment out of the activity for them? 
• What is something I want to do that I never do because it could be a selfish action?
• What is something that will make me relax and free/focus my mind?
• What is it that I want to do?

Self-love is not just about meditation or treating your body well so that it's healthy (great diet and exercise, unless that' is your thing) it's about putting time aside for 'me', doing something that I (you) enjoy or something else that my (your) mind can focus on. It is time a where I do not need to think about others, it's is a time where I do not need to think about judgement or the 'shoulda, woulda, couldas' and just stop thinking about what it is that is troubling that day. Self-love is about giving yourself a mental break and letting you do what you want and what makes you happy, with no guilt (strings) attached. Sounds too good to be true right? Or maybe it’s something that seems too difficult right now?

 

Something to keep in mind: Just because other people are doing yoga, or reading and baking more it might not mean that this is your self-love. Your self-love might be trying a new make-up look or learning a new hairstyle, it might be taking a 20 minute nap after breakfast or wearing that outfit which you love but might seem out of trend/too much to wear on an 'un-special' day or just to watch TV in. It is not something that everyone else is doing, but is something that you take pleasure in and enjoy, and you don't need to feel guilty for it. Sure suggestions are good, but if you like something, no one is going to judge or stop you from doing it.

 

Let me give you an example. I am a great multitask-er and am constantly thinking forward, being prepared for almost any situation, planning ahead. When I first moved out of my parents home, I had a weekend off - no social plans but just free time. The way I have been brought up tells me that being idle is a bad thing as you are not using your time to the best of your ability, I had to do something productive like chores or admin etc. Sitting around in my PJs and watching TV all day is not acceptable or a good use of one’s time... and it was this mindset that made me think that I’ve always got to keep busy, to make the most and the best of the time that I have, for not doing so would mean that I am lazy and ungrateful. 

 

However, even though there is some truth in this, I feel that I began to feel guilty for not doing anything and it made my self-esteem lower as I thought that I should be doing something more fruitful and that I wasn't making good use of my time, I felt ungrateful. In my mind, I should be grateful for the free time I have, prepping, thinking ahead, and by not utilising it, it's a selfish thing to do (I know this is a very silly thought but... brain). Taking a step back now, learning more about myself and from others, I have (thankfully) come to realise that actually having these moments of doing nothing, for me, helps me to switch off. I don't feel guilt, I don't need to think about others or plan ahead and my obsessive and irrational (stupid) thoughts stop. Before, switching off was a bad thing but now I see that it's a time where I stop emotionally and mentally self-harming. I stop all of my negative thoughts and just focus on what's in front of me.   

 

So going back to trying to figure out what my self-love is. My self-love turned out to be more than one thing as, I like to keep busy, constantly moving which is why it can sometimes be difficult to do the above example. I have also come to realise that my self-love is forever changing! I’ve found that I am and ‘on and off’ in a sense where I can’t stick to the same task all the time. I’ve been doing yoga for the past two weeks, 20 minutes cardio and then about 30 minutes reading. However, this week I did none of that and I just potatoed… I stayed in bed or I stood in the garden for 5 minutes staring at the sky. It is OK for your self-love activities to change or stay the same. Everyone is different, our likes and dislikes change depending on the moods and situations we are in.

 

I’m not going to sugar coat it, but learning that my ‘self-love’ changes, has been super confusing, I’m still on this journey and sometimes constantly changing my tasks can feel unsettling as my routine changes. But when I see that it gives me respite from things that make me feel anxious, sad or abandoned and lonely, I can accept it. My thoughts of abandonment from my mum’s suicide or sadness from how much I am (or mum would be) disappointed in the person I have become (irrational thoughts) stop, even if it is just for a moment, and that time is what I need to stop spiralling and self-sabotaging.

 

Another ‘self-love’ that I discovered was when I was really down and I texted my best friend and asked “why do you keep me in your life?” I felt lost and that there is nothing that I am good for. She listed so much about the things she admires or loves about me and told me, “If you ever need me to fan girl over you, I am right here.” If you’re feeling so low that nothing you do is helping you take a mental break from your harsh thoughts and feelings, or if you feel that you just don’t have the energy, ask someone to help you do it, to open your eyes and tell you what they see in you. Ask someone else to turn on the light so that you can see the path again.

Update: This whole week, my 'self love' was allowing myself to cry over something that was trivial but important to me, and now I feel so much better!

If you are looking for some 'self love' ideas, I asked my friends and they came up with some things they do:

• binge watch movies
• read fantasy books
• reading
• going out for walks
• baking
• yoga
• staring out my (your) window - (please don't stare out my window, I will be FREAKED out)
• sleeping
• forging myself from whatever effed up things my mind conjures up that i've done wrong (done wrong in my opinion)

Flaw or Against?

We all have gotten into the habit of filtering our photos on our social media. For example, when we instagram a photo, filtering that picture comes naturally. But why do we do it? How has it become so natural and normal for us to edit our photos and alter the way we look? 

When I took this photo, I sent it to my sister to see if I looked OK. When I was given the 'OK', I got ready and left the house. What was the occasion? Tiff's birthday of course! We were going out for a meal later that evening, but since I wouldn't be returning home in the day time, I got ready early.

That night, when we were home and I was scrolling through my photos, I found this photo and without realising, I started to edit the marks on my face. In case you haven't noticed, I have quite a few moles on my face and when I saw them, I decided to see what it would look if I didn't have those marks on my face.

Why do we photoshop our photos? Yes, even the filters on Instagram count as photoshopping.

Moles or beauty spots, they're still moles :')

Which do you think looks better? With the moles or without? Society dictates that our physical flaws are what make us imperfect. But then again, society also dictates that our flaws are what make us unique and we should accept them; nobody’s perfect. So how do you think the people of today are portraying themselves? Those with flaws feel ugly but at the same time they are supposed to feel unique and proud of who they are, at the same time magazines are showing people with perfect skin and bodies? It's a little confusing!

I'll be honest... There was a period of time where I absolutely hated my moles, I hated them to the point where I would look in the mirror and just burst out crying. People would ask me, "what's wrong with them? They're unique, they're cute!" But they never understood the insecurities my moles gave me. Sure, it's easy for you to say that they're unique etc. but they're not on your face, you're not the the one that receives the surprised comments that there are 'coincidentally two moles under each eye', you don't have to live with them; you don't know what it feels like. It got to the point where I hated them so much, I searched home remedies of removing moles; I saw my GP about it and he even agreed that they are in inconvenient places, he told me that he didn't see anything wrong with my plan in removing them myself and so; I did it. I strongly advise against doing this; if you plan on getting rid of moles. seek professional help, go to a professional and get them removed.

I got a needle and scraped the skin on top of my moles off so that the skin was open; I then took a small cube of raw garlic and taped it to my mole over night; the acid in the garlic would basically eat away at my mole and make it go. I don't know if you've ever had a cut and accidentally got orange juice in it but that's what it felt like on my mole, the burning sensation and smell weren't momentarily, they stayed for a while! FYI it wasn't just one mole, I did about 4 on my face, for about 4-5 days. Every morning, to prevent infections, I used TCP to wipe the area which stung so much. In the following 4-6 weeks, my moles scabbed off and disappeared, only scars were left on my skin which went after a while. Seeing that this method had worked, I decided to burn off some more of the moles on my face that made me self-conscious. One day as I looked at my skin where my moles used to be, I noticed that there was a black mark; my moles had started growing back, not just one, but all of them. My moles are not surface moles but under the surface of my skin; I tried using the garlic method on the same moles again but they grew back. Defeated, I decided to leave them in case I aggravated them too much that they might turn dangerous.

I honestly wish that I hadn't gone through this process, the realisation that I couldn't be rid of these moles unless I had an operation hit me; and my young teen self was devastated. I decided to face the facts, these small specks are going to stay with me for the rest of my life. A few years on to today and I don't hate them as much. In a way, I’m glad that I went through that process, because it made me face the facts and accept. Of course there are days where I’m not feeling so self-accepting and I research mole removal clinics and seriously contemplate on mole removal. Heck, I even have days where I hate them so much, I decide not to look in the mirror! But like my mum, family and close friends say, they're what make me, well, me! Truthfully... When I look at the left picture above, a part of me would really rather have that face, but then I also think that I look a bit strange; I’m still so torn.

Why is it that I am unable to accept myself 100%? I know that my moles are unique and they make me, me. 98% of the time I am happy with myself. I guess I can look at it as a humbling process and a continuous lesson to be accepting of myself.

I sometimes think 'how can we expect the younger generation to grow up well when we have so many insecurities ourselves?'

How about you? Have you ever had any experiences like this? What are your views and opinions? I'm really curious as to how other people deal with such experiences.

Are you flaw or against your 'flaws'?

Big thanks to Tiff for proofreading ;P you can find her blog at:
http://myjourneytomadrid.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html

Much love,

TTM.

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