- Is there anything that I wanted to do but never did because I felt guilty or worried about what others would think or worried that it would take the enjoyment out of the activity for them?
- What is something I want to do that I never do because it could be a selfish action?
- What is something that will make me relax and free/focus my mind?
- What is it that I want to do?
Self-love is not just about
meditation or treating your body well so that it's healthy (great diet and
exercise, unless that' is your thing) it's about putting time aside for 'me',
doing something that I (you) enjoy or something else that my (your) mind can
focus on. It is time a where I do not need to think about others, it's is a
time where I do not need to think about judgement or the 'shoulda, woulda,
couldas' and just stop thinking about what it is that is troubling that day. Self-love
is about giving yourself a mental break and letting you do what you want and
what makes you happy, with no guilt (strings)
attached. Sounds too good to be true right? Or maybe it’s something that
seems too difficult right now?
Something to keep in mind: Just
because other people are doing yoga, or reading and baking more it might not
mean that this is your self-love. Your self-love might be
trying a new make-up look or learning a new hairstyle, it might be taking a 20
minute nap after breakfast or wearing that outfit which you love but might seem
out of trend/too much to wear on an 'un-special' day or just to watch TV in. It
is not something that everyone else is doing, but is something that you take
pleasure in and enjoy, and you don't need to feel guilty for it. Sure
suggestions are good, but if you like something, no one is going to judge or
stop you from doing it.
Let me give
you an example. I am a great multitask-er and am constantly thinking forward,
being prepared for almost any situation, planning ahead. When I first moved out
of my parents home, I had a weekend off - no social plans but just free time.
The way I have been brought up tells me that being idle is a bad thing as you are
not using your time to the best of your ability, I had to do something
productive like chores or admin etc. Sitting around in my PJs and watching TV
all day is not acceptable or a good use of one’s time... and
it was this mindset that made me think that I’ve always got to keep busy, to
make the most and the best of the time that I have, for not doing so would mean
that I am lazy and ungrateful.
However,
even though there is some truth in this, I feel that I began to feel guilty for
not doing anything and it made my self-esteem lower as I thought that I should
be doing something more fruitful and that I wasn't making good use of my time,
I felt ungrateful. In my mind, I should be grateful for the free time I have,
prepping, thinking ahead, and by not utilising it, it's a selfish thing to do
(I know this is a very silly thought but... brain). Taking a step back now,
learning more about myself and from others, I have (thankfully) come to realise
that actually having these moments of doing nothing, for me, helps me to switch
off. I don't feel guilt, I don't need to think about others or plan ahead and
my obsessive and irrational (stupid) thoughts stop. Before, switching off was a
bad thing but now I see that it's a time where I stop emotionally and mentally self-harming. I stop all of my
negative thoughts and just focus on what's in front of me.
So going back to trying to figure
out what my self-love is. My self-love turned out to be more than one thing as,
I like to keep busy, constantly moving which is why it can sometimes be difficult
to do the above example. I have also come to realise that my self-love is
forever changing! I’ve found that I am and ‘on and off’ in a sense where I can’t
stick to the same task all the time.
I’ve been doing yoga for the past two weeks, 20 minutes cardio and then about
30 minutes reading. However, this week I did none of that and I just potatoed…
I stayed in bed or I stood in the garden for 5 minutes staring at the sky. It is
OK for your self-love activities to change or stay the same. Everyone is
different, our likes and dislikes change depending on the moods and situations
we are in.
I’m not going to sugar coat it, but
learning that my ‘self-love’ changes, has been super confusing, I’m still on
this journey and sometimes constantly changing my tasks can feel unsettling as
my routine changes. But when I see that it gives me respite from things that
make me feel anxious, sad or abandoned and lonely, I can accept it. My thoughts
of abandonment from my mum’s suicide or sadness from how much I am (or mum
would be) disappointed in the person I have become (irrational thoughts) stop,
even if it is just for a moment, and that time is what I need to stop spiralling
and self-sabotaging.
Another ‘self-love’ that I
discovered was when I was really down and I texted my best friend and asked “why do you keep me in your life?” I felt
lost and that there is nothing that I am good for. She listed so much about the
things she admires or loves about me and told me, “If you ever need me to fan girl over you, I am right here.” If you’re
feeling so low that nothing you do is helping you take a mental break from your
harsh thoughts and feelings, or if you feel that you just don’t have the
energy, ask someone to help you do it, to open your eyes and tell you what they
see in you. Ask someone else to turn on the light so that you can see the path
again.
Update: This whole week, my 'self love' was allowing myself to cry over something that was trivial but important to me, and now I feel so much better!
If you are looking for some 'self love' ideas, I asked my friends and they came up with some things they do:
- binge watch movies
- read fantasy books
- reading
- going out for walks
- baking
- yoga
- staring out my (your) window - (please don't stare out my window, I will be FREAKED out)
- sleeping
- forging myself from whatever effed up things my mind conjures up that i've done wrong (done wrong in my opinion)
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