My Mental Health Journey - Pilot: Why?

Hi! It's me again, long time no blog!

My mum passed away just over two and a half years ago and up until earlier this year, I'd say that I had been dealing with losing her in the best way I know how (by not thinking about it, right?). You see, mum passed away suddenly, we knew that she was ill but didn't realise how severely ill she was, we didn't get to say goodbye to her or prepare for her to leave; and then one day, poof! she was gone, she had committed suicide. It was devastating. There are no words to describe the feeling of having your mother suddenly disappear out of your life, no way to comprehend what has happened. I still find myself trying to adapt my life with her no longer being there, I feel like her depression has leaked onto the rest of us. She will never see me marry, she will never be there when I get my first official job, where will I get my advice about life from? Add this onto a pallet with other personal issues and you've got yourself a pretty messy painting. But the thing about art, it's all down to personal preference and interpretations.

If you knew me before my mum passed, I was a very smiley and positive individual and I'd like to say that I wasn't very emotional. Unfortunately this was my downfall and with mum, I pushed everything to the back of my mind and let it sit there until I broke and became the complete opposite. My head was (is) a mess and I had no direction.

As we are in 'COVID Lockdown' and it is Mental Health Awareness week, I thought that it would be helpful to share my mental health journey with you guys. The purpose of this blog is not to let you know how down I've been or how broken I feel, but I hope that by writing this blog and keeping a 'Mental Health Journal' it can encourage others to seek help and also to not feel so alone during this time of isolation or during the aftermath of what 'lockdown' will leave. It's also a platform for where I can see how my journey has changed and a place I can go back to to see how much I have grown.

It's natural to have judgements and I won't hold you against it, but if you do have something negative to say, please drop me an email/DM as I hope that this place is only full of encouragement and positivity to lift our peers and community up during this lonely time.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying my experiences are the same as yours or that we are going through the same thing as depression, anxiety, low moods etc manifest in different ways and if you are feeling extremely low in mood or are having suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help, the world is a better place with you IN it. The Samaritans have a free number to call on 116 123 or seek out a therapist; I found mine here. What works for me might not necessarily work for you, we are all individuals and different in many ways, this doesn't mean you should give up but that you should keep fighting, keep searching for ways to deal and to cope. Give yourself another chance!!

Please watch this space for updates if you're interested, if not, keep scrolling!