My Mental Health Journey: Entry 4 - Disassociation, Palpitations, Anxiety & Insomnia... WTF?!

My last post took me a while to publish because after I hit the side-step, I found that I had lost motivation to take the next step forward. I stopped writing, stopped journaling and I lost my motivation; I ran out of battery. 

The past few weeks, my self harming thoughts have come back on a daily basis and they are constant; I have lost interest in everything. I dread the weekdays because they drag and then I dread the weekends because we can't really do much during lockdown and because I don't have any interest of going out or doing anything. All the projects I wish to do can't take place because businesses aren't resuming until possibly next year and I do not have the materials, resources or knowledge to start woodworking (I wanna take up carpentry!) I feel stuck. The worst part is, I have this dreadful feeling that I actually haven't hit rock bottom, I feel like when people say, God only gives you what you can handle, I feel like there's still more to give me. I could look at it in an anxious way and just dread and panic what may or may not come, feel awful and anticipate negativity. OR I could look at it in a positive light, that I am stronger than I think I am and I'm still going, every day that passes means that I have overcome all of my issues on that day and that means that it has been a successful day. I am still deciding which way to look at it.

As I write this, I feel like the latter is a better way to look at it, but I don't have to commit. I agree that if I look at it in a personal growth way; the second would be ideal. But I don't know (nor need to worry) about how I will feel about it tomorrow. All I know is, right now, in this moment. I am being refined and am strong enough to take it. Pure gold must go through fire to burn all the impurities in order for it to be pure gold, I'm just going through the refining process.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) this refining process has brought forward new issues and symptoms (or are they old issues) to light. I've been experiencing disassociation, palpitations and daily anxiety (thankfully, have only had one panic attack which I managed to nip in the bud as it started) and now insomnia. 

The disassociation has been strange, it's like being in the backseat of the car and watching life go by, you're there observing and aware of everything but not in control of your actions or what you do or say, it's like you're on autopilot. Sometimes this is a positive thing as I don't worry, I just let it run it's course and know that I will be fine after, it's like a dream but you're awake in nit.. Other times it's annoying because for me, I forget what is being said ad what I am saying at that moment. For example, I'll be talking with someone about things I need to do but when i'm back, I don't remember what we discussed, I just remember feeling... cloudy.

The palpitations for me, have just be rude and annoying! They wake me up in the middle of the night and go on for hours,  they deprive  me of a peaceful night, but thankfully, they only happen at night and not during the day. I understand that a lot of people can feel panicked and unsettled when they experience palpitations, the way I see it is that I know it will pass, whether there is a cause for why I got it at that moment in time, I am not sure but I don't fixate on why I'm getting it right there and then, I just focus on my breathing and put a meditation video on to try and get back to sleep ,focus my mind on being mindful. 

Anxiety is the one that I feel has affected me most. I will be fine for the whole day and then the moment something unexpected happens or the moment I change a task, all of a sudden I feel like something bad is going to happen, I begin to feel anxious, dread and fearful however I don't know what of. An example is when my friends came to visit me, after they left, I felt so anxious and sad that I burst out crying and started having a panic attack! Fortunately, I felt it coming on and so called my cousin straight away to take my mind off the feeling. If you experience this, maybe have a go-to person in case of emergencies, it helps and they won't find you annoying, I promise.

Thankfully, the palpitations and disassociation have lessened but insomnia seems to have crept up on me (insert crying emoji here). It started on the night I woke up from palpitations just over 2 weeks ago now, the most sleep I get is about 3 hours. Falling asleep is no problem, it's staying asleep that seems to be a difficult task for me. I'm not dealing with it in a way of getting treatment, I'm just 'riding it out' and hoping it will go soon, because who doesn't love their sleep!

Please be aware that if you are experiencing any of these, tell your doctor! I told my doctor and we did some tests to check that my body is physically healthy, which I am. So now I know that I need to go to the mental health doctor (my therapist) to help deal with these issues. Don't just ignore the symptoms, get yourself checked out and seek help please!

Even though I have been low, anxious and a bit out of it, it has been important for me to have been aware that I am in that state of mind; and do you know what? Strangely, it's really helped. Because even though I had all these new and uncertain feelings, I know that I am feeling a certain way, I can accept that I am feeling it and then just sit in the moment/emotion until my mind is ready to move on. This is a first for me as 

My Mental Health Journey: Entry 3 - Two Steps Forward, One Side Step

I have come to realise that this journey isn't just about walking forward. I'd say it's like taking 'two steps forward, one step back" but I disagree with the thought of going backwards. Instead, it's a side step, because I still learnt/am learning, I didn't go back, I didn't 'relapse', I stepped to the side and took a pause, a breather, a break. You can't change the way you think/perceive things over night, it takes time and energy but just because you pause, it doesn't mean you aren't growing/changing. 

A journey isn't about going forwards or backwards, it is about where you go and how you deal with each encounter along the way. 

This past month has been really tough, I am not going to pretend that it was okay or there were a few smiles here and there... If I did, it would mean that it's not okay to be not okay. WHICH IS WRONG! It is OKAY to NOT BE OKAY. It is OKAY to feel, to have emotions and not feel up to smiling or doing. It is okay, it is acceptable and even more so, IT. IS. HUMAN. Last I checked, WE ARE ALL HUMAN! So go ahead and have that cry, have a sad moment(/day/week) but promise me one thing, that you will remember that that moment(/day/week) will pass and things will get back on track again, it will end and you'll get up again, stronger, heftier, happier, taller (I wish physically taller, but I mean you will grow mentally and emotionally, I just say taller because at 4"11 &3/4, there are some days where it would be nice to be taller ><")

So... my week was, well it was was outright awful. I cried every day, was sad every day, I was just so low and I entered my downward, self hating, toxic spiral. I was exhausted both mentally and physically. I felt exactly the same as when I brought those scissors to my arm, I was stuck and I couldn't get out of this feeling of awfulness and pain. I couldn't see my progress or the things I had learnt because my vision was clouded by the tears of self-doubt and lack of self confidence. I had forgotten how to get myself out of such a emotional mess - but actually, in that time of turbulence I recognised what I was feeling, even though I couldn't get out of it, I was aware of it and being aware is the first step to recognising it.

Getting better doesn't mean that you're instantaneously happy, it means that you can see that there are issues and you can see when they are happening and slowly begin to stop the toxic behaviour/thought before it kick starts your downward spiral. 

Whatever you're feeling, high or low, happy or sad, it's all okay and you're gonna bring yourself up, no matter how long it takes, because we're in this together, you are not alone.

Even if you don't love you right now, I love you! Stay strong!

Rice Munchkin

My Mental Health Journey - Entry 1: Hitting Rock Bottom

Disclaimer: Depression, anxiety, low moods all manifest in so many different ways and what I have experienced may not be similar to yours, this does not mean you are weird or something is wrong with you, it just means that we are all different and face our issues in ways that we do best. Whatever you're feeling, don't give up on life, don't give up on living and seek help. The things I write are of my own opinion and thoughts and is not professional advice, if you are seeking professional advice, please look for a therapist. 

I will also be discussing self harm and referencing suicide which may be upsetting for some readers, if so, I warned you, so you can't sue me.

This is a loooong post, but please bear with me, it's just a summary of how I realised that I needed help.

Quick recap:

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week and also the week I started my therapy sessions with my therapist. Everyone has their own inner demons and I've decided that as the theme of Mental Health Awareness week is 'Kindness', I should be kind to myself (this is not a selfish act) and tell myself that it is okay to not be okay! I'm gonna be the example and show you that you (YES, YOU! The cute, handsomely beautiful person reading this) should be kind to yourself too! Because when we are kind to ourselves, we begin to heal, we begin to shine and we can be start to be happy again, or just... start feeling again.

I think it's safe to say (from personal experience) that we all feel that we are lacking in some aspects of our lives, It's human nature, to always want to improve and develop - it's how we grow. For example, I'm not attractive (enough), I'm not good enough, I'm a waste of others' time, I don't deserve their kindness, I could have done that better, why would they want to spend time with me... etc. Whilst it can be 'normal' to have these thoughts and I'm sure the majority of people experience similar, it doesn't help when it is a constant thought and when depression or low moods amplify it to make it feel 10,000 times more worse than it actually is.

One of my main issues...

As a person, it is in my nature to feel guilty (even at the smallest of things like finishing the last doughnut without asking if anyone else wants it first...) - it's just how I am, sometimes a little bit of that isn't a bad thing. Growing up my guilty conscience wasn't so bad but, as I got older, I came to notice it more and, with people mistreating my kindness, it started to get worse. 

I feel like being from an Asian background, it's very common for Asian parents or adults to guilt trip their children into good behaviour or helping them out. I am not complaining about this because it's could just be a cultural thing but in my opinion, the effects of it can be long lasting and in actual fact can shape who you become. 

Let me give you a couple of examples. If a child didn't want to finish their food, the parent/adult would say something along the lines of "If you don't eat it, it will be a waste. I had to work so hard, 8 hours a day just so that I can earn money to buy this food for you and then spend my time after working long hours to cook this food. If you don't eat it, it will be a waste of all that energy and effort I put in, just for you, my children! Do you really want to make me sad and make all that effort pointless?" As a child, you don't want mum and dad to be sad or for them to work so hard only for you to waste all that effort because you couldn't finish the food, you'd feel guilty. 

Or...

"I came all the way to this country and worked so hard, I didn't get an education in University so that I can earn money and let you have a good life so that you can study and be a doctor!" (I was fortunate enough not to have this expectation thrust upon me ><") This is where you think that you must be a dutiful daughter/son and do as your parents have asked as they have sacrificed so much for you! I have to admit, when it comes to feeding, I am guilty of guilt tripping my nephews/nieces  - but not that I slaved away to get the food but that there are others out there who aren't as fortunate to have that many grains of rice in their bowl. Or I tell them that it will give them Popeye's muscles...

The annoying thing is, my inner voice tells me that I should be nice and kind to others, regardless of how they treat me, so I ignore any negative treatment towards me. I ignore it and I tell myself that if I say no, I'm not a good person and the spiral begins. I start to feel awful, I question everything I do and I put myself down at any and every chance I can get. Cooked a meal from scratch? Well, Essie you could've done better; it's good but it's not great. Worked super hard at work and got lots done? It's because you're not good enough at your job and you had to work hard to get lots done because you're lacking. Spent time with someone that needed a friend? Well they only wanted to spend time with you because they were low, not because you're a good friend. I could go on but I don't want to - because it's negative and not helpful. You get the gist! You end up making it personal... and emotionally/mentally self harming yourself. 

After mum died, my inner voice got more mean. She also started telling me, "you aren't good enough, you know how I know this? You couldn't even keep mum around. If you were a good daughter and she loved you, she would have stayed." Now, I obviously know that this isn't the case, my mum was ill, she had depression and it took over her; she wasn't her self. But that doesn't stop my thoughts and insecurities getting the better of me and putting me down. 

So due to feeling the emotions of me guilt tripping myself and telling myself I'm not worth anything, I had so much emotion in me that I didn't know what to do with it. At the time of said 'hitting rock bottom', I didn't know where all of these feelings and negativity were coming from, all I knew was that I could feel it and it wouldn't go away.  It got a to a point where all of a sudden, I was at bursting point and as your brain does, you try to blame the closest thing to you - even if it has nothing to do with them or they have done a trivial thing that isn't the end of the world. You feel the need to direct it onto something/someone because if you don't, you are going to lose yourself. And once you release, it is already too late, the damage is done and you feel worse. 

I was so overwhelmed by these feelings that I couldn't move anymore, I was stuck on the floor and my brain, my heart, my thoughts and feelings wouldn't switch off. I just wanted to feel something else, I wanted to feel something that wasn't this kind of pain, I wanted it all to stop.  I would never consider taking my own life because I know what happens after you're gone, your depression trickles into the lives of everyone you loved or came into contact with, like when you put ink into a glass of water and it disperses, and so that is definitely not an option for me. So my silly decision was to take the scissors out of the draw and try cutting my arm. At first I thought, damn, I'm so sad that I can't even feel it but then I realised... I was crying so much that I couldn't see and the scissors were actually blunt! ><" - I started self harming and ironically, it didn't work, in fact it made everything worse because I felt pathetic and stupid for doing such an idiotic thing. 

I knew that this wasn't who or how I wanted to be and that I had hit rock bottom. I knew I somehow needed to get out of this spiral that I had been in since mum died, and escape the years of pushing back emotions and feelings - I decided enough is enough. No more distractions, no more putting it off or brushing it off, no more putting myself down, no more physical or mental self harming. I needed to get help.

I went online to do a bit of retail therapy - basically shopped around for a therapist. After speaking to three different therapists, via emails and Skype/Zoom, I found one that I felt comfortable with who specialises with Asian patients, depression and bereavement and just verbally vomited everything I was feeling or that had happened about mum to her. I told her my goal is to stop feeling guilty and to be independent from my emotions. This was is my starting point. 

Now it's your turn

A friend told me that she finds it difficult to find a new therapist because she didn't feel comfortable talking to a stranger about some of her issues. If you have that fear/worry, but you want to see a therapist, why not just start talking about the things you are comfortable with? As you build a better relationship and trust the therapist more over time, you can let go of that fear further down the line. 

Some people struggle with meeting new people, kind of like... 'stranger danger'; if you are someone that struggles with this, there are various platforms that you can use to see a therapist - phone call, video call etc. just ask your therapist!

Just remember, every journey begins with a single step. It might feel scary, it might even feel more like a massive leap to admit that you need help but once you have passed that barrier, you will be one step closer to a healthier mindset! 

Food for thought

 As a person, we are fearful of abandonment and we would also never abandon a friend or a family member, yet when it comes to our mental health, why is it that we have no issue with abandoning ourselves?

My Mental Health Journey - Entry 2: Self Love

Disclaimer: Depression, anxiety, low moods all manifest in so many different ways and what I have experienced may not be similar to yours, this does not mean you are weird or something is wrong with you, it just means that we are all different and face our issues in ways that we do best. Whatever you're feeling, don't give up on life, don't give up on living and seek help. The things I write are of my own opinion and thoughts and is not professional advice, if you are seeking professional advice, please look for a therapist. 

During this period of lockdown, I hear a lot of friends and family saying that we must learn to self love, to take care of ourselves, even my therapist advised me to take care of myself; but what does that mean?

Does that mean to make sure I sleep 8 hours a day, have 3 healthy meals a day and make sure I exercise regularly, ensure that I have some form of human contact at least once a day? For me, these are all just things on the surface. 

Usually I find it difficult to 'Self Love'. I feel that I can do more productive things with my time or I find it hard to enjoy the activity as other things or people's enjoyment are on my mind. So, I need to think hard and find out what my 'Self Love' is.

I decided to ask myself these questions almost every day to really dwell on what it is that I class as 'Self Love'.

• Is there anything that I wanted to do but never did because I felt guilty or worried about what others would think or worried that it would take the enjoyment out of the activity for them? 
• What is something I want to do that I never do because it could be a selfish action?
• What is something that will make me relax and free/focus my mind?
• What is it that I want to do?

Self-love is not just about meditation or treating your body well so that it's healthy (great diet and exercise, unless that' is your thing) it's about putting time aside for 'me', doing something that I (you) enjoy or something else that my (your) mind can focus on. It is time a where I do not need to think about others, it's is a time where I do not need to think about judgement or the 'shoulda, woulda, couldas' and just stop thinking about what it is that is troubling that day. Self-love is about giving yourself a mental break and letting you do what you want and what makes you happy, with no guilt (strings) attached. Sounds too good to be true right? Or maybe it’s something that seems too difficult right now?

 

Something to keep in mind: Just because other people are doing yoga, or reading and baking more it might not mean that this is your self-love. Your self-love might be trying a new make-up look or learning a new hairstyle, it might be taking a 20 minute nap after breakfast or wearing that outfit which you love but might seem out of trend/too much to wear on an 'un-special' day or just to watch TV in. It is not something that everyone else is doing, but is something that you take pleasure in and enjoy, and you don't need to feel guilty for it. Sure suggestions are good, but if you like something, no one is going to judge or stop you from doing it.

 

Let me give you an example. I am a great multitask-er and am constantly thinking forward, being prepared for almost any situation, planning ahead. When I first moved out of my parents home, I had a weekend off - no social plans but just free time. The way I have been brought up tells me that being idle is a bad thing as you are not using your time to the best of your ability, I had to do something productive like chores or admin etc. Sitting around in my PJs and watching TV all day is not acceptable or a good use of one’s time... and it was this mindset that made me think that I’ve always got to keep busy, to make the most and the best of the time that I have, for not doing so would mean that I am lazy and ungrateful. 

 

However, even though there is some truth in this, I feel that I began to feel guilty for not doing anything and it made my self-esteem lower as I thought that I should be doing something more fruitful and that I wasn't making good use of my time, I felt ungrateful. In my mind, I should be grateful for the free time I have, prepping, thinking ahead, and by not utilising it, it's a selfish thing to do (I know this is a very silly thought but... brain). Taking a step back now, learning more about myself and from others, I have (thankfully) come to realise that actually having these moments of doing nothing, for me, helps me to switch off. I don't feel guilt, I don't need to think about others or plan ahead and my obsessive and irrational (stupid) thoughts stop. Before, switching off was a bad thing but now I see that it's a time where I stop emotionally and mentally self-harming. I stop all of my negative thoughts and just focus on what's in front of me.   

 

So going back to trying to figure out what my self-love is. My self-love turned out to be more than one thing as, I like to keep busy, constantly moving which is why it can sometimes be difficult to do the above example. I have also come to realise that my self-love is forever changing! I’ve found that I am and ‘on and off’ in a sense where I can’t stick to the same task all the time. I’ve been doing yoga for the past two weeks, 20 minutes cardio and then about 30 minutes reading. However, this week I did none of that and I just potatoed… I stayed in bed or I stood in the garden for 5 minutes staring at the sky. It is OK for your self-love activities to change or stay the same. Everyone is different, our likes and dislikes change depending on the moods and situations we are in.

 

I’m not going to sugar coat it, but learning that my ‘self-love’ changes, has been super confusing, I’m still on this journey and sometimes constantly changing my tasks can feel unsettling as my routine changes. But when I see that it gives me respite from things that make me feel anxious, sad or abandoned and lonely, I can accept it. My thoughts of abandonment from my mum’s suicide or sadness from how much I am (or mum would be) disappointed in the person I have become (irrational thoughts) stop, even if it is just for a moment, and that time is what I need to stop spiralling and self-sabotaging.

 

Another ‘self-love’ that I discovered was when I was really down and I texted my best friend and asked “why do you keep me in your life?” I felt lost and that there is nothing that I am good for. She listed so much about the things she admires or loves about me and told me, “If you ever need me to fan girl over you, I am right here.” If you’re feeling so low that nothing you do is helping you take a mental break from your harsh thoughts and feelings, or if you feel that you just don’t have the energy, ask someone to help you do it, to open your eyes and tell you what they see in you. Ask someone else to turn on the light so that you can see the path again.

Update: This whole week, my 'self love' was allowing myself to cry over something that was trivial but important to me, and now I feel so much better!

If you are looking for some 'self love' ideas, I asked my friends and they came up with some things they do:

• binge watch movies
• read fantasy books
• reading
• going out for walks
• baking
• yoga
• staring out my (your) window - (please don't stare out my window, I will be FREAKED out)
• sleeping
• forging myself from whatever effed up things my mind conjures up that i've done wrong (done wrong in my opinion)

My Mental Health Journey - Pilot: Why?

Hi! It's me again, long time no blog!

My mum passed away just over two and a half years ago and up until earlier this year, I'd say that I had been dealing with losing her in the best way I know how (by not thinking about it, right?). You see, mum passed away suddenly, we knew that she was ill but didn't realise how severely ill she was, we didn't get to say goodbye to her or prepare for her to leave; and then one day, poof! she was gone, she had committed suicide. It was devastating. There are no words to describe the feeling of having your mother suddenly disappear out of your life, no way to comprehend what has happened. I still find myself trying to adapt my life with her no longer being there, I feel like her depression has leaked onto the rest of us. She will never see me marry, she will never be there when I get my first official job, where will I get my advice about life from? Add this onto a pallet with other personal issues and you've got yourself a pretty messy painting. But the thing about art, it's all down to personal preference and interpretations.

If you knew me before my mum passed, I was a very smiley and positive individual and I'd like to say that I wasn't very emotional. Unfortunately this was my downfall and with mum, I pushed everything to the back of my mind and let it sit there until I broke and became the complete opposite. My head was (is) a mess and I had no direction.

As we are in 'COVID Lockdown' and it is Mental Health Awareness week, I thought that it would be helpful to share my mental health journey with you guys. The purpose of this blog is not to let you know how down I've been or how broken I feel, but I hope that by writing this blog and keeping a 'Mental Health Journal' it can encourage others to seek help and also to not feel so alone during this time of isolation or during the aftermath of what 'lockdown' will leave. It's also a platform for where I can see how my journey has changed and a place I can go back to to see how much I have grown.

It's natural to have judgements and I won't hold you against it, but if you do have something negative to say, please drop me an email/DM as I hope that this place is only full of encouragement and positivity to lift our peers and community up during this lonely time.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying my experiences are the same as yours or that we are going through the same thing as depression, anxiety, low moods etc manifest in different ways and if you are feeling extremely low in mood or are having suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help, the world is a better place with you IN it. The Samaritans have a free number to call on 116 123 or seek out a therapist; I found mine here. What works for me might not necessarily work for you, we are all individuals and different in many ways, this doesn't mean you should give up but that you should keep fighting, keep searching for ways to deal and to cope. Give yourself another chance!!

Please watch this space for updates if you're interested, if not, keep scrolling!