I will also be discussing self harm and referencing suicide which may be upsetting for some readers, if so, I warned you, so you can't sue me.
This is a loooong post, but please bear with me, it's just a summary of how I realised that I needed help.
Quick recap:
This week is Mental Health Awareness Week and also the week I started my therapy sessions with my therapist. Everyone has their own inner demons and I've decided that as the theme of Mental Health Awareness week is 'Kindness', I should be kind to myself (this is not a selfish act) and tell myself that it is okay to not be okay! I'm gonna be the example and show you that you (YES, YOU! The cute, handsomely beautiful person reading this) should be kind to yourself too! Because when we are kind to ourselves, we begin to heal, we begin to shine and we can be start to be happy again, or just... start feeling again.
I think it's safe to say (from
personal experience) that we all feel that we are lacking in some aspects of
our lives, It's human nature, to always want to improve and develop - it's how we
grow. For example, I'm not attractive (enough), I'm not good enough, I'm a waste of
others' time, I don't deserve their kindness, I could have done that better, why would they want to spend time with me... etc. Whilst it can be 'normal' to have these thoughts and I'm sure the majority
of people experience similar, it doesn't help when it is a constant thought and
when depression or low moods amplify it to make it feel 10,000 times more worse
than it actually is.
One of my main issues...
As a person, it is in my nature to feel guilty (even at the smallest of things like finishing the last doughnut without asking if anyone else wants it first...) - it's just how I am, sometimes a little bit of that isn't a bad thing. Growing up my guilty conscience wasn't so bad but, as I got older, I came to notice it more and, with people mistreating my kindness, it started to get worse.
I feel like being from an Asian background, it's very common for Asian parents or adults to guilt trip their children into good behaviour or helping them out. I am not complaining about this because it's could just be a cultural thing but in my opinion, the effects of it can be long lasting and in actual fact can shape who you become.
Let me give you a couple of examples. If a child didn't want to finish their food, the parent/adult would say something along the lines of "If you don't eat it, it will be a waste. I had to work so hard, 8 hours a day just so that I can earn money to buy this food for you and then spend my time after working long hours to cook this food. If you don't eat it, it will be a waste of all that energy and effort I put in, just for you, my children! Do you really want to make me sad and make all that effort pointless?" As a child, you don't want mum and dad to be sad or for them to work so hard only for you to waste all that effort because you couldn't finish the food, you'd feel guilty.
Or...
"I came all the way to this country and worked so hard, I didn't get an education in University so that I can earn money and let you have a good life so that you can study and be a doctor!" (I was fortunate enough not to have this expectation thrust upon me ><") This is where you think that you must be a dutiful daughter/son and do as your parents have asked as they have sacrificed so much for you! I have to admit, when it comes to feeding, I am guilty of guilt tripping my nephews/nieces - but not that I slaved away to get the food but that there are others out there who aren't as fortunate to have that many grains of rice in their bowl. Or I tell them that it will give them Popeye's muscles...
The annoying thing is, my inner voice tells me that I should be nice and kind to others, regardless of how they treat me, so I ignore any negative treatment towards me. I ignore it and I tell myself that if I say no, I'm not a good person and the spiral begins. I start to feel awful, I question everything I do and I put myself down at any and every chance I can get. Cooked a meal from scratch? Well, Essie you could've done better; it's good but it's not great. Worked super hard at work and got lots done? It's because you're not good enough at your job and you had to work hard to get lots done because you're lacking. Spent time with someone that needed a friend? Well they only wanted to spend time with you because they were low, not because you're a good friend. I could go on but I don't want to - because it's negative and not helpful. You get the gist! You end up making it personal... and emotionally/mentally self harming yourself.
After mum died, my inner voice got more mean. She also started telling me, "you aren't good enough, you know how I know this? You couldn't even keep mum around. If you were a good daughter and she loved you, she would have stayed." Now, I obviously know that this isn't the case, my mum was ill, she had depression and it took over her; she wasn't her self. But that doesn't stop my thoughts and insecurities getting the better of me and putting me down.
So due to feeling the emotions of me guilt tripping myself and telling myself I'm not worth anything, I had so much emotion in me that I didn't know what to do with it. At the time of said 'hitting rock bottom', I didn't know where all of these feelings and negativity were coming from, all I knew was that I could feel it and it wouldn't go away. It got a to a point where all of a sudden, I was at bursting point and as your brain does, you try to blame the closest thing to you - even if it has nothing to do with them or they have done a trivial thing that isn't the end of the world. You feel the need to direct it onto something/someone because if you don't, you are going to lose yourself. And once you release, it is already too late, the damage is done and you feel worse.
I was so overwhelmed by these feelings that I couldn't move anymore, I was stuck on the floor and my brain, my heart, my thoughts and feelings wouldn't switch off. I just wanted to feel something else, I wanted to feel something that wasn't this kind of pain, I wanted it all to stop. I would never consider taking my own life because I know what happens after you're gone, your depression trickles into the lives of everyone you loved or came into contact with, like when you put ink into a glass of water and it disperses, and so that is definitely not an option for me. So my silly decision was to take the scissors out of the draw and try cutting my arm. At first I thought, damn, I'm so sad that I can't even feel it but then I realised... I was crying so much that I couldn't see and the scissors were actually blunt! ><" - I started self harming and ironically, it didn't work, in fact it made everything worse because I felt pathetic and stupid for doing such an idiotic thing.
I knew that this wasn't who or how I wanted to be and that I had hit rock bottom. I knew I somehow needed to get out of this spiral that I had been in since mum died, and escape the years of pushing back emotions and feelings - I decided enough is enough. No more distractions, no more putting it off or brushing it off, no more putting myself down, no more physical or mental self harming. I needed to get help.
I went online to do a bit of retail therapy - basically shopped around for a therapist. After speaking to three different therapists, via emails and Skype/Zoom, I found one that I felt comfortable with who specialises with Asian patients, depression and bereavement and just verbally vomited everything I was feeling or that had happened about mum to her. I told her my goal is to stop feeling guilty and to be independent from my emotions. This was is my starting point.
Now it's your turn
A friend told me that she finds it difficult to find a new therapist because she didn't feel comfortable talking to a stranger about some of her issues. If you have that fear/worry, but you want to see a therapist, why not just start talking about the things you are comfortable with? As you build a better relationship and trust the therapist more over time, you can let go of that fear further down the line.
Some people struggle with meeting new people, kind of like... 'stranger danger'; if you are someone that struggles with this, there are various platforms that you can use to see a therapist - phone call, video call etc. just ask your therapist!
Just remember, every journey begins with a single step. It might feel scary, it might even feel more like a massive leap to admit that you need help but once you have passed that barrier, you will be one step closer to a healthier mindset!
Food for thought
As a person, we are fearful of abandonment and we would also never abandon a friend or a family member, yet when it comes to our mental health, why is it that we have no issue with abandoning ourselves?
